I don't know what you're going through...
"You don't know what I'm going through."
--- writing prompt from Toasted Cheese
The funny thing about keeping a blog is that the more active your real life is, the less time you have to update your online journal. My life since July 2009 has not been as hectic as that of most people I know. And I do feel a sort of guilt for not putting even a sentence to tell people that, well, I'm still at it. It's like inviting people to a show, but then the main performer does not show up. Or to a dinner, and the honored guest decides to stay home.
As a stalker... erm, avid reader of blogs (thank you, Google Reader), I feel very concerned when certain strong personalities do not post in a long while. I really do not know what they're going through besides what they choose to share on their pages. Usually, it's just the details of daily life that get in the way. And I'm glad. That means they can always come back when circumstances allow them a chance to breathe. Just like one blogger who just had a medical scare with her very young daughter. I totally understand her need to keep the news to immediate family. Now that she's past her trials, she feels more free to share and joke with her online visitors.
Still, just like my mother, I can't help imagining the worst. I fear that those entertaining and lively voices might have departed our world without a final adieu to us... to me. One day, it occurred. One member of a blog team died so young, doing something he was passionate about, with the ocean waves he loved to ride. His friends haven't fully recovered, but it was very gracious of them to let their readers know. And I really appreciated the gesture.
The shock also has made me contemplate what I would like to happen when I die. I considered writing a future entry that would post at the end of my expected lifespan. But what if I pass on much earlier? Or what if I miscalculate, I forget all about the entry, and it automatically publishes while I'm still alive? That would be hilarious. Well, probably not to family members who would learn of my alleged death while I'm off traveling somewhere.
Or if I choose not to pre-write anything, what kind of memorial would my blog become? After all, my old entries would still be available. What kind of person could be gleaned from them? Would I be recognizable as the child of God that I know I am?
These past few weeks, I've been listening to a lot of BarlowGirl. If you know their music and lyrics, you might have an idea of how they wrestle with issues of faith and identity. I've woken up with their lyrics in my mind, with their songs in my heart. And every time, I go running to the Lord and He holds me.
In "Surrender," which is the song currently in my head, I see reflected my own struggle with dreams I myself had molded and guarded for years. The old saying is true, you can't really receive more if you keep holding tightly to the things in your hands. Surrender, surrender, God whispers so gently.
I think I have made peace with the impossibility of trying to control my future. So whether it's with my dreams or my finally joining my Lord, it's really not up to me anymore. And you know what, I know I'm held securely in His arms.
